KEEPThoseCrazyPeopleAwayFromMyBABY!

Illustration by Daniel Armstrong

stringthink.wordpress.com

A dear, dear friend of mine is expecting her first child. One day, I  asked how she was feeling.  Pretty typical question you would ask an expectant mother.  But her answer, while unexpected,  resonated with me in the most personal way.  She spoke of this strong reaction she has been having, and described it as the "Keep those crazy people away from my baby" feeling.  I had to break the news that this feeling doesn't go away.  I still have that feeling and my daughter is almost 6.  In fact, as she has gotten older, that feeling has only intensified.  I expect that will continue to be the case for the rest of my life, and maybe even after.  Now I don't consider myself a great mother.  In fact, I don't even know that I am a good mother.  I probably let my kid eat too much candy, watch way too much TV, and let her stay up way too late, but I don't think you have to be a great mother to protect your child from craziness.  But a decent mother, yes.  Even the most domesticated of animals are known to go ape shit when something or someone threatens the environment of their young.  Since we are limited in what insanity we can shield our kids from, it is even more important that I as parent make a conscious effort to keep the madness to a minimum within the context of my immediate family life.  Now I waited until I was at the age, whereas my egg upon fertilization needed a cane to get to my uterus for implantation to have my kid, as opposed to those prime childbearing years of yore.  In fact, I made a decision in my early adulthood not to have children, as I couldn't trust myself not to take leave of my senses and was not certain that the crazy person my baby would need protecting from was me.  Having had front row seats to the freak show that was my childhood, I knew well enough that I was not going to bring, much less create an innocent victim to bear witness to the manifestations of my lunacy.  My husband, who had been my boyfriend several years prior to our marriage was on board with this notion of no children, as his ego was not vested in populating the earth.  Now my husband's reasons were different than mine.  He came from a solid, caring, and loving family, which is evident by the husband and father he is today, and ultimately our choice to have children came after careful and thoughtful deliberation.  Then the next  39 weeks was spent going "What the fuck did we do?".  Not dealing with a full deck myself, I knew that for me to bring a child into this world into an existing precarious situation, say a partner who also isn't dealing with a full deck would be by default starting behind the eight ball.  So I got to know myself.  I knew that I could not trust myself not to repeat the legacy of lunacy, and I knew that there was much work to be done to repair my battered and abused psyche.  Mucho therapy.  I was then able to figure out that I needed a partner that was smarter than I, sensible, reasonable, and the picture of emotional health.  And this was what I sought for a life partner.  Then one day, I happen to notice I didn't involuntarily seize with horror when people asked us about children in our future.  "This is a new feeling" I thought to myself.  Instead the nausea and vomiting came after I became pregnant.  Let's face it, the man or woman you are with, providing everything is in working order, has the potential to be the father or mother of your child, and if you don't have your shit together, and your partner doesn't, forget college fund, and start a therapy fund.  As time passed, I began to trust myself a little more.  My self esteem in tact, and the journey to keep it that way was was well under way.  I had finally had a better handle on things, and the time had come for me to answer the call of the wild, and we were blessed with a great kid.  There is not a decision I make without first considering how it will impact my child.  That "Keep those crazy people away from my baby" are one of the few voices in my head that I pay attention to, and acknowledge in addition as a primal instinct  even if that crazy person includes me.  And so, I would like to take this opportunity to wish my dear long time friend the very best of luck in keeping those crazy people away from her baby, as it is a life long, and very worthy endeavor.  As I recently stated in a Facebook post, I have learned that if you buy tickets to the circus, don't be shocked to see clowns.  I've seen many, and a lot of kids are afraid of clowns, so forget the tickets, and put the money in their college fund.